They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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