Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
