She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
