I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
