Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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