The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
