i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
