Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
