How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
