That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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