Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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