You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
