My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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