I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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