When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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