I'm drive I can fine osifer
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
