So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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