Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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