My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
