the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
