Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
