just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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