I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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