I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
