I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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