Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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