I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
