you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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