God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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