i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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