I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
