come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
