I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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