I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
