I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
