You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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