plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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