ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
