Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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