I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
