if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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