Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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