this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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