I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
