I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
