so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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