Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
