On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
