I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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