whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
