i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
