You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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