i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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