i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
