yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
