I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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