I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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