He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
