make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize