I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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