I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Found your dick twin last night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
